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Viva Murillo!

There’s a right way to approach a fantasy draft…and a thousand wrong ways. I don’t mean from a strategic standpoint -- everyone has their own philosophy, of course. No, I mean from an etiquette standpoint. No matter how many years they play, no matter how many drafts or auctions they participate in, some people just don’t get it. They need a little lesson in draft etiquette. This information probably doesn’t apply to you, but feel free to pass this information along to those owners who never seem to learn their lesson.

* Show Up On Time. There’s no such thing as “fashionably late” to a draft. It doesn’t make you look cool, or busy, or anything but obnoxious. Nobody cares where you were that afternoon, or where you’re going after the draft. Your fellow owners want you to show up on time, draft Julius Jones and DeShaun Foster as your starters and go home.

* Pay On Time. When the Super Bowl ended, you knew how much the league entry fee was. You knew it on St. Patrick’s Day, you knew it during the NFL draft, and you knew it on Memorial Day. You knew it last month, last week and yesterday. Don’t act like the guy from “Memento” and act dumb-founded when the commissioner wants your check. Just pay it.

* Don’t Announce “I Really Didn’t Do Much Preparation” To Your Fellow Owners. I don’t know why some guys feel obligated to say this. It’s really not necessary, because if you really aren’t prepared everyone will find out soon enough. Lowering expectations for your football team is Al Davis’ job, not yours.

* Turn Off the Cell Phone. Basically, pretend you’re in a movie theater. Unless a spouse is pregnant or something, there isn’t anything that can’t wait until the draft is over. Give your fellow owners a couple of hours of your undivided attention. Your fantasy team deserves it, too.

* Remember Your Place. Nobody wants to remind you when it’s your turn to take a player. A draft normally has a little routine to it, so if you pick first in one round, you’re likely to pick last in the next. Even if you don’t, everyone knows the draft order. Please pay attention and don’t make other owners nudge you into doing your job.

On that same note, keep track of who has been taken. You shouldn’t have to ask if Jamal Lewis has been drafted, or if anyone has the Bears' defense yet. If you don’t know, something is wrong. Don’t waste everyone’s time by making them baby-sit your team. They have their own work to do.

* Don’t Be Mel Kiper. Cable networks spend a lot of money providing an intriguing (though ultimately boring) NFL draft experience. They provide trivial tidbits and try to offer some unusual insight.

That’s nice, but don’t copy it at your draft. If you’re selecting Marques Colston, you don’t have to say “Next up for Willy’s Mammoths is a fine pass-catcher, the guy who led me to the playoffs last year, a man who revived the Saints with his great route-running and reliable hands, and the soon-to-be top receiver in the NFL: Marques Colston.”

Just say “Marques Colston.” That’s fine. Really.

* Don’t Be A Clone. Jim Rome’s show would be a lot better if he just did monologues and interviews and didn’t subject everyone to clones on the radio. In fact, Rome has said that himself, so it must be true. They try to be funny, use just the right phonetic emphasis and make the correct references all in one shot. When it works it’s sort of listenable. But when it fails, I’d rather hear brakes squealing. And it’s even worse when you have to sit next to one of them on draft day.

In other words, you don’t need to be the comedian of the draft. In fact, your draft doesn’t need a comedian -- it already has the incompetent homer, the hopeless drunk who’s infatuated with rookies and the guy who prepared all summer only to crack under the pressure. Laugh at the natural humor and focus on your team, before it becomes the league’s punch line.

* Don’t Use Any Variation of the Michael Vick Situation In Your Team Name. That means no references to Vick ... dog kennels ... Ron Mexico ... Bad Newz ... or whatever else. Even if it was witty (it’s not) or funny (never was), everyone else is already doing it. That’s reason enough to pass. In fact...

* Don’t Obsess Over Your Team’s Name At All. Some owners change their nickname each year, sometimes several times before the draft. They want to get it just right -- find the correct combination of hip references, humor and bravado. They ask people what they think, look for new ideas and ponder all the options before settling on the perfect name that nobody will care about.

The truth is that your fantasy team has exactly one fan -- you. Nobody cares what the name is, and few will ever remember which one you chose. Pick whatever you want, but don’t waste time on it and please don’t ask people what they think of it at the draft. Spend time on the names that count -- the guys who will make or break your fantasy fortunes -- instead. If you win the title and take their money, they’ll remember it was you who dominated the league, not the nickname. That’s what counts, right?

* Don’t Think I’m Saying You Can’t Have A Good Time. I’m not trying to take all the fun out of the draft. In fact, these tips will actually make the draft more fun -- for everyone else. When people focus too much on absurd things, or ignore the important ones, it makes things difficult for everyone else. Have a great time, and get a little silly if you want. But do your job as an owner and don’t ruin the experience for your league mates.

Feel free to add other obnoxious draft day habits in your comments below. You can also reach Michael Murillo at vivamurillo@gmail.com.

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